How to Take Greenland

A CIA ops veteran offers a droll take on how Greenland can be taken without a shot

Sadly, with President Trump distracted by tariff swats, deporting immigrants and crushing dissent, he seems to have taken his eyes off taking Greenland.  His birthday bash with Army tanks and guns rolling through Washington on Saturday may be a practice run, but as a former top Deep State operative, I’m here to tell him there’s an easier, more peaceful way to take the island: covert action—the kind of stuff I spent decades doing in the CIA.

Yes, a military assault would be quicker and more direct. It would stand a greater chance of success since Greenland has only 55,000 people, no military and we already have a military base there. It would also be more expensive (then again, the military-industrial complex can always use the work). But our military is otherwise occupied in hot spots like California and D.C. They’ve also got invasions of Canada and Mexico to prepare for.

The main goal of the CA (cool CIA lingo) would be to create the conditions whereby Greenlanders request U.S. intervention or annexation. Our usual preferred method—a military coup followed by a brutal dictatorship—is a nonstarter since there is no military in Greenland to work with, and clandestinely creating a military that we could later subvert would take far too long.

So we go to work on Greenland’s people, who don’t fully grasp how unhappy they are. The first step would be to divide them by generating fear, anger, and hatred. A divided society can be manipulated more easily and rendered ineffective, turning on itself and doing our work for us. 

We would start with information warfare to gin up their dissatisfaction, particularly with their Danish overseers, who today are merely annoying tens of Greenlanders. We would establish a clandestine radio and TV station inside our existing Pituffik Space Base, so far inside the Arctic Circle that protesters would freeze before they reach it.  (As an aside, the name will have to be changed. I would recommend something along the lines of Trump Ice Palace and Casino.) Its radio and TV station would broadcast a version of Fox News and OAN 24/7 to the locals. The message is already there; we would just need to develop more stories related to Greenland judges and cat ladies ruining everything.

Potential Inuit resistance fighters (Adobe stock)

As in America, the message would focus on generating fear and hatred of brown people, simplified by the fact that most of the coverage on Fox and OAN already carry that same message (thus saving the covert action op money). They already have a variety to work with, in the 89 percent of Greenlanders who are of Inuit descent, technically brown people on the Stephen Miller color scale. Soon enough, Greenlanders would turn on themselves. With an already high suicide rate we can expect a significant population decline, further aiding in our takeover.

Along with the propaganda campaign, the CIA will clandestinely create, train and fund a Greenland MAGA-type party—let’s call it “Make Greenland Great Again.”  The sudden rise of the MGGA party would add to the divisions and hatred generated by our psyops information campaign, potentially culminating in an attack on, and seizure of, the 31-member Greenland parliament, leading to a vote for annexation by the U.S.

Typical Inuit village like this one would have to be pacified or evacuated. (Wikimapia photo)

We can probably stop right here and call it a victory, unless of course, Denmark and some European countries like France send troops (technically required by the NATO treaty). But no matter: At that point we would form a breakaway republic, à la South Vietnam or South Korea, and form a “democratic” government that would invade the rest of Greenland at a later date.

I have to say, Mr. President, this should be a walk in the park. Greenlanders will clamor for the better life that America can provide. They can throw off the oppressive shackles of government-provided healthcare and education, fire up the economy with tariffs and massive borrowing, and give out guns for everybody (except, of course, the Inuits).

As we saw in Iraq and Afghanistan, what we do after this swift victory is equally as important as achieving that glorious triumph. Greenlanders have some extremely troubling progressive views, including tolerance for some of the world’s most radical leftist LGBTQ+ community. Once annexation takes place, we would need to send one or two of the Pentagon’s elite ideological correctness battalions to weed out DEI and LGBTQ+ cliques, progressive ideas, books, names, references, etc. from everyday life in Greenland, and to monitor what retrograde Greenlanders say and think, so freedom can ring throughout the new American territory.

We should also consider deploying crack ICE units, with, of course, additional protection provided by U.S. marines, to begin rounding up resistant brown people (plus some rebellious Danes) and deporting them to Inuit reservations in inhospitable (ok, deadly cold) climes. We might be a little out of practice in this skill set but I’m sure it will come back fairly quickly. Old habits are hard to kick. The deported undesirables, roughly 89% of the population, could be replaced by good old-fashioned MAGA loyalists recruited from places like Idaho to help quickly assimilate Greenland into American society and ensuing a loyal, subservient population.

This is a no-brainer. We have the blueprint for success from our own nation. This CA program would be the culmination of a long list of CA successes, starting with Iran, Guatemala, and Cuba. It can’t fail!

Luis Rueda spent 28 years in CIA operations with numerous assignments in Latin America and the Middle East and senior management positions in Washington, retiring with a reputation for shrewd, cautionary assessments of the agency’s capabilities and limitations. Look for him as my guest on the SpyTalk podcast later this week.

Team House photo 2024